Toddler Tantrums: What to Do and What NOT to Do

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By Joseph Abu – Real Parent, Real Talk, Real Solutions

🍼 Real Talk: Toddler Tantrums Suck

Hey. If you’re reading this with a pint-sized tornado shrieking in the background—big, squishy hug. I’ve been there. You’re not broken, and you’re definitely not alone.

Look, tantrums are basically the toddler version of a software update. Frustrating, necessary, always at the worst time. Nothing about it means your kid’s a little monster, or that you’re screwing up. It just means they’re human, and their brain’s still getting patched.

Here’s what’s honestly helped me (and plenty of other exhausted parents) survive the wild ride—plus a few things that absolutely do not help, no matter what your neighbor Karen says.

😩 So, Why Do These Tiny People Lose Their Minds?

Let’s get real: toddlers are basically little cavemen with WiFi. Their brains are still under construction, especially the part that’s supposed to handle big feelings. Cue meltdown.

Stuff that sets them off? Classic hits like:

• - Too much noise/chaos (hello, Target checkout)
• - Hungry, tired, or both (aka “the meltdown cocktail”)
• - Can’t say what they want (imagine wanting a banana but not knowing the word for it—rage!)
• - Wanting control (who doesn’t?)
• - Routine got thrown off (because you dared to take a different route home)

Long story short: they’re not plotting against you, their wiring’s just...in progress.

✅ What To Actually Do When Your Toddler’s Losing It

1. Fake Zen, Even If You’re Screaming Inside

Your calm is like magic fairy dust. (Or at least, that’s the lie I told myself.) Count to five, pretend you’re on a beach, whatever works. If you lose it, it just makes things louder.

💡 Pro tip: I used to mouth “help me” at strangers in the grocery store while deep breathing. Don’t judge.

2. Drop Down to Their Level

Literally. Squat, make eye contact, talk soft. It’s less “I’m in charge” and more “I see you, tiny human.”

Even a simple, “Whoa, you’re really mad, huh? I’m here,” goes a long way.

3. Call Out the Feelings

Don’t brush it off. Name it: “You’re mad because we have to leave the park. That’s hard.” (Don’t say: “Stop crying, it’s fine!” Because, spoiler, it’s not fine to them.)

4. Give ‘Em Choices, But Keep It Chill

They want control. You want peace. Just toss them two options you can live with: “Red shirt or yellow shirt?” Suddenly, you’re a genius.

5. Distract Like a Pro

Sometimes it’s as easy as, “Hey, did you see that bug on the window?” Or, “Let’s go feed teddy.” Works better on the under-threes, but hey, worth a shot.

6. Stay Nearby, Even If They’re in Full Exorcist Mode

Some kids want hugs. Some want space. Either way, don’t vanish. My son once yelled “GO AWAY!” so I just sat across the room until he crawled over. Parenting win? Maybe.

❌ What Absolutely Doesn’t Help

1. Yelling or Threatening

You’re basically pouring gasoline on a bonfire. Plus, it’s scary for them. (And you’ll probably feel like crap after.)

2. Handing Over the Chocolate Just to Make It Stop

Ugh, so tempting. But then they learn: scream = get the goods. Next time, wait until they’re calm, then talk.

3. Shaming or Embarrassing

Calling them “bad” or “naughty” is just mean, honestly. Focus on the action, not who they are. Say, “Throwing toys isn’t okay,” not, “You’re bad.”

4. Pretending You Don’t Notice Patterns

If the meltdowns always hit before lunch—ding ding, they’re probably hangry. Try staying one step ahead. Snacks for everyone!

💛 How to (Sorta) Prevent Tantrums

You can’t stop every meltdown (sorry, I wish), but you can help:

• - Stick to a routine (kids love boring, apparently)
• - Offer choices all day, not just during chaos
• - Hype up good behavior (“You used your words! High five!”)
• - Teach easy feelings words: happy, mad, tired, whatever
• - Give ‘em a heads up before big changes (“Five more minutes, then shoes on”)

🧸 Bottom Line: Tantrums Aren’t Forever (Even When It Feels Like They Will Be)

I’ve cried in bathrooms. I’ve bribed with lollipops. I’ve doubted myself a thousand times. But every tantrum is a chance to teach your kid that feelings aren’t the enemy—and that you’re their safe person, even when it’s loud.

Next time your kid goes nuclear, remember: their brain’s still loading, their heart’s still learning, and deep down, they need you most when they’re freaking out.

👉 What Now?

• - Pin this to your fridge (for when your brain short-circuits)
• - Talk “tantrum strategy” with your co-parent or sitter
• - Sub to my newsletter for more real talk and survival tips

You’re killing it, honestly. Pour yourself a snack and enjoy.